Facing one of my fears today ....blocked toilets....bleurgh. My Sister's family use a metric ton of bog roll.....and don't flush the loo overnight so I had the 'pleasure' of flushing it this morning and got the unenviable sight of my Nephews' and Sister's turds merrily spinning and bobbing about like ballroom dancers on speed....they were getting ever closer to the rim and I had to slam the lid shut......honestly, I actually have nightmares about toilets doing exactly that.
Left it for a few hours to gradually seep through whatever the heck was blocking it....then thought "Maybe it's magically unblocked itself" so ventured up for a wee....used one square of paper....didn't want to fan the flames if you know what I mean. Then flushed it...nope the toilet unblocking fairy hadn't visited.....so slammed the lid shut yet again and scurried downstairs.
Held on and held on....tried again a few hours later......still no visit from the toilet fairy ......."Come on Jen" I thought...."you're better than this !"
So, armed with my new found courage,went for a rummage in my Sister's garden shed, to see if I could fashion some sort of unblocking tool.
There was no way on heaven and earth I'd put my hand down there....prefer to clean a lion's teeth with a nailbrush!
The shed was awash with a mind-boggling array of unrelated detritus.....hmmmm what to use.... then spotted it... a length of flexible hose....y'know, the waste from the back of a washing machine,.....ah ha Bingo !.
Bounded, confidently upstairs brandishing said hose, and with much wretching and averting of gaze proceeded to inexpertly prod about .......to no avail.....so now, there was still a blocked pan with mashed up contents resembling the worst kind of chocolate smoothie imaginable....and a length of flexible hose that needed "dealing with". Luckily I had the presence of mind to realise I'd have to put it somewhere hygienic after the terrible deed was done.....old bucket at the ready.
Coiled the offending article into the bucket with the aplomb of a snake charmer, then transported the whole sorry mistake back downstairs into the utility to douse with bleach.
Whilst avoiding the peroxide fumes I pondered.... "Hmmm....what now?"
took the bucket and freshly bleached 'snake' outside to the drain, set it down then wandered back up to the shed. It was then that I noticed it....the huge laurel bush that separated my Sister's garden from the neighbour's...
...there, at the base, a twig about the right length and U-bend angle....snapped it off and twiddled it round in my hand .......perfect!.
So with renewed vigour, bound, two steps at a time, up to the bathroom for a rematch......this time there was no stopping me, I was fearless.... even looked in the pan ! ....plunged the new sabre-like twig into the pan,pushed it home, up and over the U-bend, then rattled it left and right with such ferocity that my hand, and it, were a blur...... a swordfight in fast forward......couldn't decided whether I was d'Artagnan, Aramis, Athos or Porthos....."all for one....and one for all".
Then, with a whoosh, the contents disappeared Bermuda-triangle-like.
Victory!!!!!!!!!
I did a lap of honour, bendy twig raised triumphantly ..."oh YES...who's da Mamma?"
A misguided and shortlived celebration as I noticed something drip from my elbow.
......Maybe I'll just go wee under that laurel bush in future.
