Ohh now then, this is all new to me.....I've created this blog after many requests from some lovely folk that have contacted me via the Plenty of Fish (POF)dating website.
Apparently, my profile was so entertaining that you wanted more tales of my madcap, childish, ineptitude.
So, for those of you who haven’t got a clue what I’m talking about I’ll paste in my POF profile ......let the madness commence.
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mtbnut : to reply to witty profile
About | Non-Smoker with Athletic body type | City | Solihull Uk | |
Details | 45 year old Woman, 5' 11" (180 cm), Non-Religious | Ethnicity | Caucasian Sagittarius with Red hair |
dyb, dyb, dyb, dob, dob, dob
Relationship
| Intent mtbnut is looking for a relationship. | <><>
| Relationship History The longest relationship mtbnut has been in was over 10 years long. | <><>
Interests
guttering | anvil repair kits | tartan paint |
religious zealot baiting | inch and a half eights a fantastic ironmongery item | |
decorative ridge tiles | bergamot | writing daft things in the interest section of profiles but all of them true |
About Me
I created this profile so that I could reply to someone who had written something witty on their profile which made me laugh like a drain....well done bungle***s.
Ohh it tells me I have to write four sentences.
Ok, here goes....I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment.....want to get to know and like myself first....maybe in 6 months....maybe longer (btw it's 27th Nov 2011 at time of writing) But here is something for you to read, true story....I couldn't make this stuff up!!
Was stopped by the Morrisons’ security guard on the way into the Ladies loos after a three hour drive from Solihull to Scunny. Apparently the security alarm system had got it into its head that I was smuggling contraband INTO the shop in my rucksack. “Did you not hear the security alarm Madam?” ......well no, I’ve never stolen anything in my life so wouldn’t have dreamed I , or at least my rucksack, was the culprit.....well that’s what I would have said had I not had the words “hold on Jen....don’t wee yourself” running through my head like a mantra, ....so it came out rather less articulately as “I’ve neva stole nuffing in my life Guv” ...or words to that effect, without the Eastenders style double negative. I couldn’t work out what it was....so did a quick mental inventory of the contents, whilst crossing my legs very tightly...hmmm, half a bag of porridge oats, a huge container of Sun Maid Raisins, three old toothbrushes, two new ones, a length of duct tape wrapped around a vitamin bottle, an emergency whistle, a twenty six inch inner tube, a makeup bag, a purse, a letter from TV Licensing and a Collins Gem book entitled “SAS Survival guide” (no, honest), and atop all of that, two pairs of knickers, not even the type you’d happily swing round your head either.....they were the “industrial” type y’know.....and worst of all, pre laundry condition.
The security guard didn’t ask me to...but I proceeded to empty the contents out in front of him desperately trying to clear my name, particularly because I was with my Mom. So for the next ten minutes the poor guy was treated to a, frankly manic, urine retentive, woman (who by this time, had drawn a small crowd) wafting back and forth through the security scanners with each of her possessions. Gawd only knows what I thought my pre laundered knickers could contain to set off a security alarm.....but nonetheless I wafted them through ockie cokie style. Finally got it narrowed down to the makeup bag.....Jeez I thought...what the hell have I been putting on my face all these years. The security guard spotted it, a factor fifty face cream with sticker attached full of printed circuit metal....”ohh” he said, peeling it off....“shops always forget to remove the stickers”. So, due to the inexperience or inertia of some unknown shop assistant quite some time ago, nearly half the population of Scunthorpe have witnessed my embarrassing end-of-the-evening, family party dancing not to mention my least attractive underwear. Never a dull moment.
Ohh it tells me I have to write four sentences.
Ok, here goes....I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment.....want to get to know and like myself first....maybe in 6 months....maybe longer (btw it's 27th Nov 2011 at time of writing) But here is something for you to read, true story....I couldn't make this stuff up!!
Was stopped by the Morrisons’ security guard on the way into the Ladies loos after a three hour drive from Solihull to Scunny. Apparently the security alarm system had got it into its head that I was smuggling contraband INTO the shop in my rucksack. “Did you not hear the security alarm Madam?” ......well no, I’ve never stolen anything in my life so wouldn’t have dreamed I , or at least my rucksack, was the culprit.....well that’s what I would have said had I not had the words “hold on Jen....don’t wee yourself” running through my head like a mantra, ....so it came out rather less articulately as “I’ve neva stole nuffing in my life Guv” ...or words to that effect, without the Eastenders style double negative. I couldn’t work out what it was....so did a quick mental inventory of the contents, whilst crossing my legs very tightly...hmmm, half a bag of porridge oats, a huge container of Sun Maid Raisins, three old toothbrushes, two new ones, a length of duct tape wrapped around a vitamin bottle, an emergency whistle, a twenty six inch inner tube, a makeup bag, a purse, a letter from TV Licensing and a Collins Gem book entitled “SAS Survival guide” (no, honest), and atop all of that, two pairs of knickers, not even the type you’d happily swing round your head either.....they were the “industrial” type y’know.....and worst of all, pre laundry condition.
The security guard didn’t ask me to...but I proceeded to empty the contents out in front of him desperately trying to clear my name, particularly because I was with my Mom. So for the next ten minutes the poor guy was treated to a, frankly manic, urine retentive, woman (who by this time, had drawn a small crowd) wafting back and forth through the security scanners with each of her possessions. Gawd only knows what I thought my pre laundered knickers could contain to set off a security alarm.....but nonetheless I wafted them through ockie cokie style. Finally got it narrowed down to the makeup bag.....Jeez I thought...what the hell have I been putting on my face all these years. The security guard spotted it, a factor fifty face cream with sticker attached full of printed circuit metal....”ohh” he said, peeling it off....“shops always forget to remove the stickers”. So, due to the inexperience or inertia of some unknown shop assistant quite some time ago, nearly half the population of Scunthorpe have witnessed my embarrassing end-of-the-evening, family party dancing not to mention my least attractive underwear. Never a dull moment.
Think that's at least four sentences eh?
The Offending Article
Jim the security guard, two weeks after the 'Event' .....his mental scars healing well.
27/11/2011 Ok,so I've been on here less than twenty four hours and have been careful not to attract the 'wrong sort' but clearly they don't bother to read womens' profiles,nor it seems,look at their photo...i mean who sends a message like:-"hey cutie how are u???" to a woman who has her head under a car bonnet showing the tip of her nose. Needless to say I didn't reply...but for those of you who have read this far I shall endeavour to amuse you with the insightful musings of the 'wrong sort' who frankly give the male of the species a bad name...however I, and many other women are smart enough to realise they are not a reflection of you chaps in general...who tend to be rather more witty and erudite
I won't include their profile names....but you know who you are.
Enjoy:-
27/11/2011 "hey cutie how are u???"
Hmmm yes, I'm very well thank you for asking,have you ACTUALLY looked at my profile picture? I look like an internal combustion engine obsessed gnome.....there are specialised websites for people with your particular brand of peccadillo...google it and enjoy....good day to you.
This was the original profile pic....much better
NB:- on the 28th Nov 2011 I received an email from POF saying that the picture of me changing the bulb on the front nearside of my Ford Focus showing just a section of my hair, the tip of my nose and my hands broke their rule regarding showing my face....so they deleted it.... I was wearing two coats, hood up ...and hence, face obscured because it was darn cold, cold, cold.....I now have no picture. So this first witty reply falls rather flat if you are reading this after 18:22 on 28/11/2011.
Ho hum...at least it was a picture of me....not an obvious picture of a model half inched from the 'iStock Photo' website,taken at a jaunty angle, in soft focus and clearly photoshopped to within an inch of its life.
Just too honest for my own good I guess. Ohh apart from my height..it says five feet eleven...im actually 5'11 and a half,so wasn't sure whether to put 5'11" or 6foot...thought I'd err on the side of caution and round down....didn't want you thinking I was some sort of freak or anything....or that i was related to Robert Pershing Wadlow (The man you'd least like to sit infront of you at the cinema).
anyway....I'll debate whether to add a photo showing my face in passport style glory.
Ok I relent....I'll add a photo.....on your head be it POF if I get inundated by nutters coveting my Collins Little Gem SAS Survival Guide.
30/11/2011 I'd just like to say a little thank you to you twenty-something chappies out there who have messaged to inform me that I'm "Well fit for an old bird"....I'm flattered,but alas I would be no fun at all as a 'cougar'...my lessons would merely consist of debates regarding the identity of the REAL Dr Who...personally I'm on the cusp of the velvety jacketted divine god who is John Pertwee and the overly scarfed (or is that scarved) demi god Tom Baker.
01/12/2011 "You're not really selling yourself very well ! Shame because you're Nice and Tall and have a lovely smile ! quirky is good odd is NOT ! XX"
I told you Mother, stop stalking me.
12/12/2011 "It's a wet night tonight in Birmingham! are you?"
Ah ha, wondered how long it would be until Oscar Wilde made contact...bravo Sir, you surely are a wit and no mistake.
13/12/2011 "I think u should come take a look at my engine !!!!!"
Really?....why? Can't you get it started? Then may I suggest a thorough deep clean with a jet washer, an oil change, air and oil filter renewal....obviously, new spark plugs and a new magic tree to mask the aroma of dubious seat coverage. Hope that helps.
16/12/2011 "hello, if you could have christmas dinner with anyone past or present who would you choose?"Ho hum...at least it was a picture of me....not an obvious picture of a model half inched from the 'iStock Photo' website,taken at a jaunty angle, in soft focus and clearly photoshopped to within an inch of its life.
Just too honest for my own good I guess. Ohh apart from my height..it says five feet eleven...im actually 5'11 and a half,so wasn't sure whether to put 5'11" or 6foot...thought I'd err on the side of caution and round down....didn't want you thinking I was some sort of freak or anything....or that i was related to Robert Pershing Wadlow (The man you'd least like to sit infront of you at the cinema).
anyway....I'll debate whether to add a photo showing my face in passport style glory.
Ok I relent....I'll add a photo.....on your head be it POF if I get inundated by nutters coveting my Collins Little Gem SAS Survival Guide.
30/11/2011 I'd just like to say a little thank you to you twenty-something chappies out there who have messaged to inform me that I'm "Well fit for an old bird"....I'm flattered,but alas I would be no fun at all as a 'cougar'...my lessons would merely consist of debates regarding the identity of the REAL Dr Who...personally I'm on the cusp of the velvety jacketted divine god who is John Pertwee and the overly scarfed (or is that scarved) demi god Tom Baker.
01/12/2011 "You're not really selling yourself very well ! Shame because you're Nice and Tall and have a lovely smile ! quirky is good odd is NOT ! XX"
I told you Mother, stop stalking me.
12/12/2011 "It's a wet night tonight in Birmingham! are you?"
Ah ha, wondered how long it would be until Oscar Wilde made contact...bravo Sir, you surely are a wit and no mistake.
13/12/2011 "I think u should come take a look at my engine !!!!!"
Really?....why? Can't you get it started? Then may I suggest a thorough deep clean with a jet washer, an oil change, air and oil filter renewal....obviously, new spark plugs and a new magic tree to mask the aroma of dubious seat coverage. Hope that helps.
Hitler.......I'd put hemlock in his soup.
16/12/2011 Hello POF chums,I've tried writing an update..but I've managed to break the limit on text allowed in this section..tried writing it in the "first Date" section..no avail
16/12/2011 Cant add anymore to my profile....think I've reached the POF limit....Am going to write a blog ...you can read about more of my ridiculous exploits there...site will be announced here when I've sorted it out.
04/01/2012 ...ohhhh but now it's here on a blog site I can add as much as I like ....hurrah! I'll put subsequent stuff from the Wrong Sort in the
" Dubious messages from the 'Wrong Sort' on POF" post.
Please, go ahead, enjoy yourself.....I do !
" Dubious messages from the 'Wrong Sort' on POF" post.
Please, go ahead, enjoy yourself.....I do !
What would you do on a First Date
No,no,no everyone says "going for a drink for a chat" ...where's your sense of adventure! What about sharing a packet of monster munch on the swings at the park (pickled onion flavour,naturally)...my one indulgence...that and Wotsits. "Wotsits,what's that? Wotsits that's what!" if you remember that advert then you'll remember when playground swings had reinforced concrete underneath them,not recycled tyres. Hmmm maybe I headbutted the ground too many times as a child.....NURSE...THE SCREENS PLEASE.
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Hang on a bit lanky lass..... what went wrong???
ReplyDeleteThink my particular brand of bonkers and honesty was a bit too much to cope with. Lovely guy, but not ready for the Jenny onslaught :-)
ReplyDeleteShould I be scared??????
ReplyDeleteBe afraid......be VERY afraid !
ReplyDelete