Dubious messages from the "Wrong Sort" on POF

Hello there, the following are the dubious messages I've received from the 'Wrong Sort'  on the "Plenty Of Fish" (POF) dating website.

I've included replies I would LOVE to have sent ....but alas, I was brought up too well, to risk upsetting, or more likely, confusing people.

....below in chronological order....newest at the top so that if you return here you won't need to trawl all the way to the bottom for the latest pearls of wisdom from the POF loonies

Here we go:-

From: ********** Sent Date:1/4/2012 9:06:22 AM

Subject: not expecting a reply

imnot relly expectig a reply but thort id try....i kinda have a foot fetish and wonderd if you would be intrested in having your feet worshiped

Ohh, now then flower......you want to "worship" my feet? Well, far be it from me to come between a man and his religious beliefs. I feel I should only encourage your need for worship, and as such, shall offer up my right foot as an object of religious deification......no touching now!

Subject: Hi From:UpFor******** Sent Date: 1/5/2012 12:11:14 AM

      

Babe, im going to get straight to the point Your pic is soooo sexy, you look just stunning in it! Theres so many things going through my head right now that i wanna do to you As its a new year, am looking for sexy new women to enjoy 2012 with and i think your pefect :D Message back if your interested :D x XX

First off, you called me "Babe" which in Jenny-world is tantamount to challenging me to a duel...or at the very least, a rather aggressive game of tiddly winks with no eye protection. Then you claim you are going to get "straight to the point".....and proceed to beat about the bush....really .....if you want me to touch your 'dirty gerbil' (copyright Lesism) then declare it now or forever hold your peace....or should that be piece ....for I shall not be venturing within infection distance of said item.
Hmmmmm wonder which picture is "soooooooo sexy".....must be the one of Jim the security guard.
I look "Stunning" in it......damn, rumbled, thought I'd hidden that taser gun so well in the bicycle inner tube.
Ahhh so there are "so many things going through (your) head right now" ...I'm guessing those things probably don't include..."She looks like a nice woman, I'd really like to chat and get to know her and have a mutually enjoyable conversation about poetry, the arts, mountain biking, philosophy and the relative merits of corn-based snacks" ...or have I got you completely wrong?.....
erm no......next line confirms it......
oh dear, oh dear, oh dear....
Copy and Paste, such a useful feature on a PC don't you think folks?
Guys, thank (the non-existent deity) that 99.9% of you fellas aren't like this, or  have the decency to hide it for a while, at least until you get to know how many sugars we have in tea and where we went to school..... ;o)

My Nemesis.......Tracy's Loo

If you are of a nervous disposition....or eating your tea....don't read this !

Facing one of my fears today ....blocked toilets....bleurgh. My Sister's family use a metric ton of bog roll.....and don't flush the loo overnight so I had the 'pleasure' of flushing it this morning and got the unenviable sight of my Nephews' and Sister's turds merrily spinning and bobbing about like ballroom dancers on speed....they were getting ever closer to the rim and I had to slam the lid shut......honestly, I actually have nightmares about toilets doing exactly that.

Left it for a few hours to gradually seep through whatever the heck was blocking it....then thought "Maybe it's magically unblocked itself" so ventured up for a wee....used one square of paper....didn't want to fan the flames if you know what I mean. Then flushed it...nope the toilet unblocking fairy hadn't visited.....so slammed the lid shut yet again and scurried downstairs.

Held on and held on....tried again a few hours later......still no visit from the toilet fairy  ......."Come on Jen"  I thought...."you're better than this !"
So, armed with my new found courage,went for a rummage in my Sister's garden shed, to see if I could fashion some sort of unblocking tool.
There was no way on heaven and earth  I'd put my hand down there....prefer to clean a lion's teeth with a nailbrush!

The shed was awash with a mind-boggling array of unrelated detritus.....hmmmm what to use.... then spotted it... a length of flexible hose....y'know, the waste from the back of a washing machine,.....ah ha Bingo !.
Bounded, confidently upstairs brandishing said hose, and with much wretching and averting of gaze proceeded to inexpertly prod about .......to no avail.....so now, there was still a blocked pan with mashed up contents resembling the worst kind of chocolate smoothie imaginable....and a length of flexible hose that needed "dealing with". Luckily I had the presence of mind to realise I'd have to put it somewhere hygienic after the terrible deed was done.....old bucket at the ready.
Coiled the offending article into the bucket with the aplomb of a snake charmer, then transported the whole sorry mistake back downstairs into the utility to douse with bleach.

Whilst avoiding the peroxide fumes I pondered.... "Hmmm....what now?"
took the bucket and freshly bleached 'snake' outside to the drain, set it down then wandered back up to the shed. It was then that I noticed it....the huge laurel bush that separated my Sister's garden from the neighbour's...
...there, at the base, a twig about the right length and U-bend angle....snapped it off and twiddled it round in my hand .......perfect!.
So with renewed vigour, bound, two steps at a time, up to the bathroom for a rematch......this time there was no stopping me, I was fearless.... even looked in the pan ! ....plunged the new sabre-like twig into the pan,pushed it home, up and over the U-bend, then rattled it left and right with such ferocity that my hand, and it, were a blur...... a swordfight in fast forward......couldn't decided whether I was d'Artagnan, Aramis, Athos or Porthos....."all for one....and one for all".
Then, with a whoosh, the contents disappeared Bermuda-triangle-like.

Victory!!!!!!!!!

I did a lap of honour, bendy twig raised triumphantly ..."oh YES...who's da Mamma?"

A misguided and shortlived celebration as I noticed something drip from my elbow.

......Maybe I'll just go wee under that laurel bush in future.