Dubious messages from the "Wrong Sort" on POF

Hello there, the following are the dubious messages I've received from the 'Wrong Sort'  on the "Plenty Of Fish" (POF) dating website.

I've included replies I would LOVE to have sent ....but alas, I was brought up too well, to risk upsetting, or more likely, confusing people.

....below in chronological order....newest at the top so that if you return here you won't need to trawl all the way to the bottom for the latest pearls of wisdom from the POF loonies

Here we go:-

From: ********** Sent Date:1/4/2012 9:06:22 AM

Subject: not expecting a reply

imnot relly expectig a reply but thort id try....i kinda have a foot fetish and wonderd if you would be intrested in having your feet worshiped

Ohh, now then flower......you want to "worship" my feet? Well, far be it from me to come between a man and his religious beliefs. I feel I should only encourage your need for worship, and as such, shall offer up my right foot as an object of religious deification......no touching now!

Subject: Hi From:UpFor******** Sent Date: 1/5/2012 12:11:14 AM

      

Babe, im going to get straight to the point Your pic is soooo sexy, you look just stunning in it! Theres so many things going through my head right now that i wanna do to you As its a new year, am looking for sexy new women to enjoy 2012 with and i think your pefect :D Message back if your interested :D x XX

First off, you called me "Babe" which in Jenny-world is tantamount to challenging me to a duel...or at the very least, a rather aggressive game of tiddly winks with no eye protection. Then you claim you are going to get "straight to the point".....and proceed to beat about the bush....really .....if you want me to touch your 'dirty gerbil' (copyright Lesism) then declare it now or forever hold your peace....or should that be piece ....for I shall not be venturing within infection distance of said item.
Hmmmmm wonder which picture is "soooooooo sexy".....must be the one of Jim the security guard.
I look "Stunning" in it......damn, rumbled, thought I'd hidden that taser gun so well in the bicycle inner tube.
Ahhh so there are "so many things going through (your) head right now" ...I'm guessing those things probably don't include..."She looks like a nice woman, I'd really like to chat and get to know her and have a mutually enjoyable conversation about poetry, the arts, mountain biking, philosophy and the relative merits of corn-based snacks" ...or have I got you completely wrong?.....
erm no......next line confirms it......
oh dear, oh dear, oh dear....
Copy and Paste, such a useful feature on a PC don't you think folks?
Guys, thank (the non-existent deity) that 99.9% of you fellas aren't like this, or  have the decency to hide it for a while, at least until you get to know how many sugars we have in tea and where we went to school..... ;o)

My Nemesis.......Tracy's Loo

If you are of a nervous disposition....or eating your tea....don't read this !

Facing one of my fears today ....blocked toilets....bleurgh. My Sister's family use a metric ton of bog roll.....and don't flush the loo overnight so I had the 'pleasure' of flushing it this morning and got the unenviable sight of my Nephews' and Sister's turds merrily spinning and bobbing about like ballroom dancers on speed....they were getting ever closer to the rim and I had to slam the lid shut......honestly, I actually have nightmares about toilets doing exactly that.

Left it for a few hours to gradually seep through whatever the heck was blocking it....then thought "Maybe it's magically unblocked itself" so ventured up for a wee....used one square of paper....didn't want to fan the flames if you know what I mean. Then flushed it...nope the toilet unblocking fairy hadn't visited.....so slammed the lid shut yet again and scurried downstairs.

Held on and held on....tried again a few hours later......still no visit from the toilet fairy  ......."Come on Jen"  I thought...."you're better than this !"
So, armed with my new found courage,went for a rummage in my Sister's garden shed, to see if I could fashion some sort of unblocking tool.
There was no way on heaven and earth  I'd put my hand down there....prefer to clean a lion's teeth with a nailbrush!

The shed was awash with a mind-boggling array of unrelated detritus.....hmmmm what to use.... then spotted it... a length of flexible hose....y'know, the waste from the back of a washing machine,.....ah ha Bingo !.
Bounded, confidently upstairs brandishing said hose, and with much wretching and averting of gaze proceeded to inexpertly prod about .......to no avail.....so now, there was still a blocked pan with mashed up contents resembling the worst kind of chocolate smoothie imaginable....and a length of flexible hose that needed "dealing with". Luckily I had the presence of mind to realise I'd have to put it somewhere hygienic after the terrible deed was done.....old bucket at the ready.
Coiled the offending article into the bucket with the aplomb of a snake charmer, then transported the whole sorry mistake back downstairs into the utility to douse with bleach.

Whilst avoiding the peroxide fumes I pondered.... "Hmmm....what now?"
took the bucket and freshly bleached 'snake' outside to the drain, set it down then wandered back up to the shed. It was then that I noticed it....the huge laurel bush that separated my Sister's garden from the neighbour's...
...there, at the base, a twig about the right length and U-bend angle....snapped it off and twiddled it round in my hand .......perfect!.
So with renewed vigour, bound, two steps at a time, up to the bathroom for a rematch......this time there was no stopping me, I was fearless.... even looked in the pan ! ....plunged the new sabre-like twig into the pan,pushed it home, up and over the U-bend, then rattled it left and right with such ferocity that my hand, and it, were a blur...... a swordfight in fast forward......couldn't decided whether I was d'Artagnan, Aramis, Athos or Porthos....."all for one....and one for all".
Then, with a whoosh, the contents disappeared Bermuda-triangle-like.

Victory!!!!!!!!!

I did a lap of honour, bendy twig raised triumphantly ..."oh YES...who's da Mamma?"

A misguided and shortlived celebration as I noticed something drip from my elbow.

......Maybe I'll just go wee under that laurel bush in future.

'Plenty Of Fish' (POF) First (and last)Date

16/11/2011

Apologies my lovely POF (Pleny of fish....dating website ...for the uninitiated) chums....for i have been neglecting you over the past week or so.

The reason? Well even though I absolutely, positively, totally and utterly had no intention of doing so....i went on a date!   Yes, I know, I know, I said at least six months of abstinence....but I went ahead and fell head over heels for Mr Right, kinda!

However, I think the fact that I turned up to my first date dressed in a filthy, paint, tile cement and bathroom sealant covered, boiler suit topped off with my Sister’s 1980’s wedding veil may have put him off somewhat (like they say “you never get a second chance to make a first impression”). Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those mad desperate women who want to get hitched come hell or high water, quite the contrary, I’ve managed to successfully avoid that institution thus far.

                                                                 G-Clamp Bouquet

So, armed with an IKEA bag full of ‘normal’ clothes I set off from Solihull to Nuneaton in all my boilersuited-wedding-veiled glory,  waving at the odd stunned motorist as I tootled by. I did at one point dust off my equity card and perform the distraught,  crazed,  jilted bride whilst waiting at a red light, lots of crocodile tears, head  pounding and flailing of arms...an Oscar winning performance I thought....however, lights turned green and my intended audience in the outside lane sped off leaving more rubber than is burnt off at the starting line of Brands Hatch....I’m  so naughty, but couldn’t resist.

 When I arrived at the door he opened it to the sight of me throwing a handful of rice (uncooked) over my head and shouting “ello”....it was a touching scene....he , resplendent  in dinner jacket and winning smile,  a little stunned, proceeded to hug me notwithstanding the filthy boilersuit (paint well dried by this time, thankfully)

I stood in the hallway of an immaculate house....lordy,surely a DIY king....hence my smittenness (made up word) I couldn’t go mooching around the place in a debris- flaking  boilersuit so decided to remove it...to reveal the next surprise.....my aforementioned (to him) “pulling Pyjamas”.....a fetching pair,  in blue winceyette,  adorned with penguins wearing santa hats....elastic gone at the waist, held up with a hairband to avoid my blushes.....how could they fail to melt his heart?

 Couldn’t decide whether he was impressed or in fear of his life....so decided to ditch the PJs and go onto the next layer....a sure fire winner I thought....my old school netball kit, chuffed to bits I can still get in it at 44 (high five that woman!) ...pleated black gym skirt, tee shirt and a bib with “GA” emblazoned on the front and back (“Goal Attack” for the uninitiated...the playing position for the lanky types) ..... the whole look completed with the addition of a  blue, metal, pin badge, bearing the legend  “I Y boys”

......I was now suitably attired for a guided tour of all DIY delights.....and heavens they were numerous and impressive....how I love a man who knows his bow saws  from his spokeshaves.. ......but the Pièce de résistance was out in the garden...... the shed.....well I say shed...it was a proper, built-to-house-spec,  Adonis of a shed.....I could have actually lived in it, and in fact, asked him what he’d charge for rent.  It had a proper UPVC front door no less....could this get any better?.....oh yes it could...carpeted !.... AND containing every power tool and DIY implement known to man, had I died and gone to heaven?....sadly not.

 So then,....he’s funny, intelligent, is a DIY god, is as tall as me, we get on like a house on fire....so what happened I hear you cry? Why am I still on a dating website?  ...well, what happened was the second ......and final date......gutted!

Moral of the story....don’t appear at a man’s front door on a first date dressed like a plasterer’s apprentice on the way to a Hen do and expect him to think you are normal.....because clearly,  you’re not!

POF (Plenty of Fish) Profile

Ohh now then, this is all new to me.....I've created this blog after many requests from some lovely folk that have contacted me via the Plenty of Fish (POF)dating website.

Apparently, my profile was so entertaining that you wanted more tales of my madcap, childish, ineptitude.

So, for those of you who haven’t got a clue what I’m talking about I’ll paste in my POF profile ......let the madness commence.
  
    ___________________________________________________________________
 

mtbnut : to reply to witty profile 

<><><><><><><><><><>

About	Non-Smoker with Athletic body type		City	Solihull Uk
Details	45 year old Woman, 5' 11" (180 cm), Non-Religious		Ethnicity	Caucasian Sagittarius with Red hair

<><><><><><><><><><>

  dyb, dyb, dyb, dob, dob, dob

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

 

Relationship

 

<><><><><><><><><><> <><>

Intent mtbnut is looking for a relationship.

Relationship History The longest relationship mtbnut has been in was over 10 years long.

 

Interests

 

guttering	anvil repair kits	tartan paint
religious zealot baiting	inch and a half eights a fantastic ironmongery item	marmite
decorative ridge tiles	bergamot	writing daft things in the interest section of profiles but all of them true

 

About Me

I created this profile so that I could reply to someone who had written something witty on their profile which made me laugh like a drain....well done bungle***s.
Ohh it tells me I have to write four sentences.
Ok, here goes....I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment.....want to get to know and like myself first....maybe in 6 months....maybe longer (btw it's 27th Nov 2011 at time of writing) But here is something for you to read, true story....I couldn't make this stuff up!!

Was stopped by the Morrisons’ security guard on the way into the Ladies loos after a three hour drive from Solihull to Scunny. Apparently the security alarm system had got it into its head that I was smuggling contraband INTO the shop in my rucksack. “Did you not hear the security alarm Madam?” ......well no, I’ve never stolen anything in my life so wouldn’t have dreamed I , or at least my rucksack, was the culprit.....well that’s what I would have said had I not had the words “hold on Jen....don’t wee yourself” running through my head like a mantra, ....so it came out rather less articulately as “I’ve neva stole nuffing in my life Guv” ...or words to that effect, without the Eastenders style double negative. I couldn’t work out what it was....so did a quick mental inventory of the contents, whilst crossing my legs very tightly...hmmm, half a bag of porridge oats, a huge container of Sun Maid Raisins, three old toothbrushes, two new ones, a length of duct tape wrapped around a vitamin bottle, an emergency whistle, a twenty six inch inner tube, a makeup bag, a purse, a letter from TV Licensing and a Collins Gem book entitled “SAS Survival guide” (no, honest), and atop all of that, two pairs of knickers, not even the type you’d happily swing round your head either.....they were the “industrial” type y’know.....and worst of all, pre laundry condition.

The security guard didn’t ask me to...but I proceeded to empty the contents out in front of him desperately trying to clear my name, particularly because I was with my Mom. So for the next ten minutes the poor guy was treated to a, frankly manic, urine retentive, woman (who by this time, had drawn a small crowd) wafting back and forth through the security scanners with each of her possessions. Gawd only knows what I thought my pre laundered knickers could contain to set off a security alarm.....but nonetheless I wafted them through ockie cokie style. Finally got it narrowed down to the makeup bag.....Jeez I thought...what the hell have I been putting on my face all these years. The security guard spotted it, a factor fifty face cream with sticker attached full of printed circuit metal....”ohh” he said, peeling it off....“shops always forget to remove the stickers”. So, due to the inexperience or inertia of some unknown shop assistant quite some time ago, nearly half the population of Scunthorpe have witnessed my embarrassing end-of-the-evening, family party dancing not to mention my least attractive underwear. Never a dull moment.

Think that's at least four sentences eh?

                                                     The Offending Article

        Jim the security guard, two weeks after the 'Event' .....his mental scars healing well.

27/11/2011 Ok,so I've been on here less than twenty four hours and have been careful not to attract the 'wrong sort' but clearly they don't bother to read womens' profiles,nor it seems,look at their photo...i mean who sends a message like:-
"hey cutie how are u???" to a woman who has her head under a car bonnet showing the tip of her nose. Needless to say I didn't reply...but for those of you who have read this far I shall endeavour to amuse you with the insightful musings of the 'wrong sort' who frankly give the male of the species a bad name...however I, and many other women are smart enough to realise they are not a reflection of you chaps in general...who tend to be rather more witty and erudite
I won't include their profile names....but you know who you are.
Enjoy:-

27/11/2011 "hey cutie how are u???"
Hmmm yes, I'm very well thank you for asking,have you ACTUALLY looked at my profile picture? I look like an internal combustion engine obsessed gnome.....there are specialised websites for people with your particular brand of peccadillo...google it and enjoy....good day to you.

                                       This was the original profile pic....much better

NB:- on the 28th Nov 2011 I received an email from POF saying that the picture of me changing the bulb on the front nearside of my Ford Focus showing just a section of my hair, the tip of my nose and my hands broke their rule regarding showing my face....so they deleted it.... I was wearing two coats, hood up ...and hence, face obscured because it was darn cold, cold, cold.....I now have no picture. So this first witty reply falls rather flat if you are reading this after 18:22 on 28/11/2011.

Ho hum...at least it was a picture of me....not an obvious picture of a model half inched from the 'iStock Photo' website,taken at a jaunty angle, in soft focus and clearly photoshopped to within an inch of its life.
Just too honest for my own good I guess. Ohh apart from my height..it says five feet eleven...im actually 5'11 and a half,so wasn't sure whether to put 5'11" or 6foot...thought I'd err on the side of caution and round down....didn't want you thinking I was some sort of freak or anything....or that i was related to Robert Pershing Wadlow (The man you'd least like to sit infront of you at the cinema).
anyway....I'll debate whether to add a photo showing my face in passport style glory.

Ok I relent....I'll add a photo.....on your head be it POF if I get inundated by nutters coveting my Collins Little Gem SAS Survival Guide.

30/11/2011 I'd just like to say a little thank you to you twenty-something chappies out there who have messaged to inform me that I'm "Well fit for an old bird"....I'm flattered,but alas I would be no fun at all as a 'cougar'...my lessons would merely consist of debates regarding the identity of the REAL Dr Who...personally I'm on the cusp of the velvety jacketted divine god who is John Pertwee and the overly scarfed (or is that scarved) demi god Tom Baker.

01/12/2011 "You're not really selling yourself very well ! Shame because you're Nice and Tall and have a lovely smile ! quirky is good odd is NOT ! XX"
I told you Mother, stop stalking me.

12/12/2011 "It's a wet night tonight in Birmingham! are you?"
Ah ha, wondered how long it would be until Oscar Wilde made contact...bravo Sir, you surely are a wit and no mistake.

13/12/2011 "I think u should come take a look at my engine !!!!!"
Really?....why? Can't you get it started? Then may I suggest a thorough deep clean with a jet washer, an oil change, air and oil filter renewal....obviously, new spark plugs and a new magic tree to mask the aroma of dubious seat coverage. Hope that helps.

16/12/2011 "hello, if you could have christmas dinner with anyone past or present who would you choose?"
Hitler.......I'd put hemlock in his soup.

16/12/2011 Hello POF chums,I've tried writing an update..but I've managed to break the limit on text allowed in this section..tried writing it in the "first Date" section..no avail

16/12/2011 Cant add anymore to my profile....think I've reached the POF limit....Am going to write a blog ...you can read about more of my ridiculous exploits there...site will be announced here when I've sorted it out.

04/01/2012 ...ohhhh but now it's here on a blog site I can add as much as I like ....hurrah! I'll put subsequent stuff from the Wrong Sort in the
 " Dubious messages from the 'Wrong Sort' on POF" post.
Please, go ahead, enjoy yourself.....I do !

What would you do on a First Date

 

No,no,no everyone says "going for a drink for a chat" ...where's your sense of adventure! What about sharing a packet of monster munch on the swings at the park (pickled onion flavour,naturally)...my one indulgence...that and Wotsits. "Wotsits,what's that? Wotsits that's what!" if you remember that advert then you'll remember when playground swings had reinforced concrete underneath them,not recycled tyres. Hmmm maybe I headbutted the ground too many times as a child.....NURSE...THE SCREENS PLEASE.
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